Chutes and Ladders

DAD

2009-03-03T19:25:00.001-05:00

This weekend was my first visit to see Dad since his arrival at the nursing home about 10 days ago. He was seated in his wheelchair behind the nurse’s station “working” as he is every day at 2PM. They give him a notebook or newspaper and he busily completes his imagery assignment or reading before attempting to return the paperwork to its proper place although his weak arms are barely able to lift them from his lap.

At first I thought he was back at the VA Hospital in his office. But now I think he was at the coalmines in Simpson, preparing the blasting caps for the coalminers. His father was a blaster and dad would play with the dynamite sticks while his father prepared the sticks and caps needed for his days work. The staff at the nursing home had no idea he was referring to the mines when he told them he was going to blow the place up.

I greeted him but he never aknowleged who I was, even after several promptings from the staff he still couldn’t answer them with my name. He was in a complete daze. His speech was slurred and almost impossible to understand, with sentences running into each other and out of sequence. At times he stopped and called out to his “friends” who were present only in his mind.

Our visit lasted about 2 hours and we returned him to the nurse’s station where I’m sure he resumed his “work”. I wonder if he knows we were there.

If I Could Reach Through The Phone

2009-02-27T08:50:00.001-05:00

I heard from a friend the other day who has lost a loved one. It has been over a year or more since her loss. As we spoke I could hear and feel the terrible pain she is still in and I wanted to reach through the phone and hold her to insure that things will get better and I was there to help. It’s such a small gesture that can mean so much when someone is in such pain. I listened to her as she told me of her loneliness and was taken back by her sorrow.

Her life as it was is completely removed. The home once shared has now become a rental until she is able to sell. She has moved back north, found another job, and is barely functioning both personally or financially.

I don’t know her location, she wants to remain aloof, but I think of her often as I go about my day, living my life.

If I could reach through the phone I would hug all the people who are so very dear in my life. I’d hug them and feel their hugs back, life is good.

2009-02-18T19:31:00.004-05:00

The Mirror

Who is this person in the mirror? I look but cannot clearly see the image as if it were misty from the shower steam. I wipe it with my hand but it clears for only a brief second or two and mists over once again. This image is a stranger to me, a person I don’t know, understand, love and at times don’t even like. I ask myself how can a mother, grandmother and wife be so insecure as I struggle with this image. How can I have gone through so many years of life and still be so new at it. How can I make sense of my life and feel as if there is a place I truly belong and find the
peace I so badly need and want.

I have never learned to embrace myself, to except the imperfections, it’s as if I were an un-socialized animal, one never nurtured, never understood and left to explore on it’s own. My life lessons were learned by trial and error. There was no encouragement, no spiritual guidance and no validation, as I heading down my path. Instead I found one roadblock after another containing the message of “you can’t, you’re weak, and you’re unattractive, you don’t know how” and let’s not forget “you’re stupid.”

I have lived my life on the outside looking in, always on the edge wanting to join in but afraid. Afraid of the rejection, disappointment and failure to live up to the expectations of the group, the tribe, the thing called family. Today is no different for me then it was for the timid child of my past, I’m still hungry, still so very much in need of validation.

All By Myself

2009-01-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

Mother
Daughter
Wife
Grandmother
Sister
Cousin
Friend
Co Worker
Neighbor
And the list goes on….

Although the order of this list may change from time to time we are familiar with the role they play in our lives.

Expectations of each have been taught to us or learned by our own experiences, by trial and error.

The path is set. Sometimes the path is overgrown with vines and prickers that hurt and tangle our journey. Without the proper tools we are trapped in the snare. We seem to go round and round repeatedly, tramping an isolated patch that is occupied by one’s self. You cry out, you stop and listen but hear no response. You wait to be rescued but realize you are truly alone, on your own and it’s up to you to find your way out.

Christmas in New York

2008-12-13T10:34:00.004-05:00

Debbie flew in from California to attend a conference in the city. She arrived almost a week early, so we could spend some time together. It's been a year since our last visit.

Debbie doesn't do anything that isn't over the top if you get my drift. She had made arrangements for us to spend two days in Manhattan just the two of us, a sister weekend. We arrived at a Hotel named "Dreams". Our room had dark blue headboards, dark blue carpeting, white walls, white down filled comforters. There was blue lighting peeking out from under the beds, a glass topped desk which was also blue lit, a flat screen TV, a double head shower, and cashmere feel robes that made you feel as though you were in a spa.

After we unpacked we headed to the bar and had a martini and returned to our room to dress for dinner and then to The Majestic Theater were we had and center row seats for Phantom of the Opera. I was like a child in awe, this was my first Broadway Show. The costumes, set and talent were breathtaking. As we exited the theater a light snow flurry topped off the whole experience. We strolled along the Streets and Avenues,and through Times Square before stopping stopping for dessert and coffee. We then returned to the hotel for a night cap and sleep because we had a big day ahead of us.

10:30am we attended a meditation session before going to the spa for a 35 minute massage. I felt so good that I way over tipped for the services but what the heck, it's the holidays. After a quick change of clothes we checked out and arrived at
Brasserie 8 1/2 for brunch. It was fabulous, there was seafood, breakfast omlettes,
Eggs Benedict, meats, poultry, fruits, salads and about 15 different desserts. We spent quite a long time eating,after all we had a long day ahead of us.

We walked around the city until 8pm. We saw the store windows in all their grandeur.
We went into the famous F.A.O. Schwarz. You had to line uo outside because the store was packed. I was dispointmented, I was expecting something a bit more over the top. It was packed with shelves of toys and mobs of loud, running excited kids. I thought I'd see a store like Tom Hanks visited in the movie Big. We spent about 15 minutes in there before heading back into the freezing windy city. We watched the skaters and viewed the tree at Rockefeller Center, visited St. Patrick's Cathedral, and found another church, St. Thomas were the service was sung by a boy's choir. It was incredible, the chruch has a boy's choir boarding school so you can amagine the quality of their voices. Following the service there was an organ recital which gave you goose bumps as the sound filled the cathedral. It was quite an experience.

Freezing cold and weary we dined and headed back to NJ where we relaxed and had a glass or two of "drink".

Deb stayed the night and the next day then headed back for the conference and I returned to work. Deb returned back here on Thursday and waited for a break in the weather before heading up to PA to visit the folks. Today she flies back to CA where her busy work schedule and lifestyle continue. I'm finally packing up my Thanksgiving decorations and am regrouping for Christmas. It's been a busy week.

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Waiting

2008-12-05T07:57:00.003-05:00

This morning I'm excited because Debbie is coming East from Irvine, CA. She has a conference in NYC next week and extended her trip to include a visit to us as well as mom and dad.

Tomorrow Deb and I are heading for the Big Apple to take in Christmas. The tree was lit two days ago and the skaters are on the ice. It's the best place to experience the season. Can't wait to see the windows decorated, they are always decked out.

The List

2008-12-04T08:05:00.008-05:00

Rules:

1. link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

2. share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

3. tag 7 people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

4. let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

The List:

1. I had a crush on "Howdy Dowdy", I can't believe I never saw the thick black strings on the marionette. I now have a secret crush on David Cook(Americam Idol).

2. I can't pronounce the words aluminum or ventriloquist.

3. I can't tell the difference between the Doobie Brothers and the Eagles music.

4. I went through thin ice in a swallow stream while writing "Warning Thin Ice" in the snow at the edge of open water. Luckly the water was only waist high. My pants froze stiff as I walked home. Duh!

5. As a youngster I ran away from home, packing a loaf of bread and sat at the edge of the woods until dusk before returning.

6. I'm still afraid to take a fish off the hook!

7. I like to sing out loud when home alone.

Happy Birthday Little Man!

2008-12-03T08:19:00.003-05:00

Today you are 3, how much you have grown. Although I haven't physically been at your side know that you are always in my heart. Each day I check the computer in hopes of catching a glimpse of you. You make me happy.

I have watched you grow from a tiny newborn baby into a strong little boy exploring the world around him. Your engery and love of life inspires me.

I see the little boy your father once was. I see his bright eyes questioning things in your eyes and his spirit of life in your soul.

Although we are not together know that you are loved and thought of each and everyday.

Happy Birthday Benen..I love you.. Nana

When your mind has been stolen

2008-12-01T15:57:00.004-05:00

What happens to you when your mind has been stolen, hidden away are the memories of your life? Where do you go and when will you return? Who is there to protect you and ease your fears?

This Thanksgiving was the first time I actually saw the extent of my father's withering mind. He had found himself in a place of confusion that we couldn't help him out of.

Our Thanksgiving tradition had been that the women went bargin hunting on Black Friday and the men vegetated ingrossed in the football games on television. We called late afternoon to check in on the guys. All was well, they had eatten the provided food so we decided to hit one more store before returning home with our finds. Evening had approched and Dad became more and more restless. Evenings are not Dad's best times. That night was worse, by the time we got home he had on his hat and was ready to go home. He had no idea where he was, as I walked him through the rooms of his house and showed him all his treasures he asked me when they moved him to this place and how was he going to get home because he can't drive at night.

He wandered the house flashlight in hand opening every door to see where it lead and what was behind them. I watched him from a distance as he examined the refrigerator, freezer, kitchen cabients and all the closets. He examined each area dilligently, examining everything with great care making sure nothing was left unchecked. I wondered what he was seeing as he searched so intensely. What did the jars of food or bars of soap represent in his mind? Where was he? Was he afraid or just curious?

He wondered most of the night, going from room to room as we slept. He saw him at the bedroom door twice that night. He never spoke a word, just stood in the doorway silently before turning and moving on.

His strong steady stride has been replaced, his body's hunched over and his stride is a weak shuffle. He is weak and frail and I see there is less time. Less time to share, less time to be with Dad. One day he will not know my name.

Stressers Everywhere

2008-11-13T08:27:00.003-05:00

I'm sure I'm not alone when it comes to Stress. It seems to be everywhere effecting everyone. People are worried about losing their jobs, their homes, health care coverage, maybe even their relationships. As the prices of fuel and food climb and the chance of job security lessening it's no wonder many are "losing it."

The local hospital has informed us that they are dropping our health care provider as an in-network provider. We have to decide if we want to shop for another insurance company or change our doctors and travel to another county to another hospital for care. Being self insured is not a happy place at this time and I don't think any health care reform will apply to us. Owning a small business has always had it's downside but we are feeling it more now then ever.

Cindy and Dave had the perfect timing.. selling their home in December of 2007 leaving her job and his small business behind and heading south to start over. They have both secured great jobs, bought a new home and are closer to their adult children who are starting out on their own or attending school. If only there was crystal ball to advise us.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-01T11:00:00.001-04:00

Well we made it through another block party at Rick and Kelly’s. What started out years ago as two or three families at the end of the driveway giving out candy has expanded to about 40 people joining in on the fun. We set up the fire pit, crank up the grill and do our best to keep warm.

Last year we started the soup kitchen. We each bring a crock-pot of soup, chili or stew to sample and share. The kids love it because it’s like a one stop shop candy store. The adults make out as well; we have beer and water for them as well as the offer to sample the foods. This year the offering was, stuffed cabbage soup, chili, potato soup, cream of broccoli, shrimp Newburg soup, chicken and dumplings, vegetable beef soup, and pizza cooked on the grill.

The house down the street had the best house of horror. They transformed the garage into a maze with strobe lights, commercial grade zombies that eyes lit up as you approached, bodies in coffins, and a live witch giving out candy at the exit. I wore my brave face as I entered it was pretty scary.

The weather was brisk last night just as I remember it to be when I was a child running house to house for treats. Pita wasn’t able to dress in costume this year and join the fun. She is still nursing her injured knee, but I’m sure she was more comfortable in the house. Some of the “trick or treaters “ asked about her. It made me feel good that the kids who wonder each year how she will be dressed missed her.

Hope you all had a fun night.

Baby It's Cold Outside

2008-10-28T07:50:00.000-04:00

I Woke up this morning to a light dusting of snow on the car windshield. There are still some stubborn leaves on the trees that will make for slick driving on these back roads. The beautiful autumn has transformed into the beginning of a long cold winter. I’m not ready for the change and will have to find my inside projects to keep me busy during the cold gray days ahead.

Barry is home from the “Hunt” with a good size Buck to fill the freezer with meat. He and Rick made the trip to Bangar PA with their meat and it’s at the butcher for processing. Rick shot a buck and two does. The whole neighborhood will reap this rewards of the hunt.

Slowly Making Progress

2008-10-23T08:17:00.002-04:00

Whew this is harder then I thought it would be. My body is sore and tired.

Some of the list will have to wait. The closet, I decided really didn't need my immediate attention after all who else cares about clothes that no longer fit or are in need of replacement after serving me for their allotted time.

So let's see what has been completed since my last blog.
Livingroom Clutter.. Gone
Windows..Done
Tomato plants.. gone
Leaves.. Blown
Yard Cuttings.. are too big for me to remove by myself

It dawned on me that I need order to stay grounded. If things are amiss around me then my mind follows the same path and I am lost.My spirits are lifted each time a I look around and see what I have accomplished, there is order in my home and order in my life.

Making Progress

2008-10-19T12:01:00.003-04:00

I must have had the feeling of grandeur when I made my Honey Do List. Things are going much slower then expected.

Carpet.. Clean. I had to shampoo twice.

Furniture.. Clean. Another road block, had to shampoo twice.

Base Board Heating ..Clean.

Vertical Blinds ..Hung. I had to take them down twice. I really needed to pre-drill the screw holes but wasn't able to find a drill bit small enough. Instead I made due usind a nail.

Clutter..Almost Done..Removed and packed up teacup collection and re-arranged the pictures on the wall.

Kitchen..Not on the List..Somehow I get off track this morning and packed up the teacups from the kitchen shelves and replaced them with things from the kitchen. It looks more like me instead of being a memorial to Grace.

Now it's back into the livingroom to continue my quest.

Honey Do List

2008-10-17T12:03:00.003-04:00

Pull Out Furniture and Clean Baseboard Heating Elements
Wash Livingroom Blinds, Curtains and Windows
Install Vertical Blinds on French Doors
Shampoo Furniture and Carpets
De-clutter

Clean out Bedrooom Closet
Donate clothes
Replace Vertical Blinds
Make Window Treatment

Rake and Blow Leaves Outside
Remove Tomato Plants from Pots
Remove Cut Down Debris From Front Yard

I have ten days to complete this Honey do list. Barry left yesterday for the annual ten day hunting trip to Georgia. I can't seem to get any important chores done when he is home partly because he is always working or he tells me "not to hurt myself".
Already I've reached a delay. Installing the vertical blinds requires a lot of screws and the wireless drill/screwdriver ran out of battery. I have it on charge now, and hope the fast charge is true it it's claim. All would have been fine if I hadn't installed the rod too low and had to take it down and put it up again. I have four screws to go but it's too difficult to use the manual screwdriver when I have to screw into the studs. Bummer..

The furniture is in the middle of the room, there's one set of windows done, one piece of baseboard done and half a blind installed and it ony took me a little under 3 hours. My back is screaming and my neck hurts.

I may have to re-think this list.

Fly Away

2008-10-07T19:52:00.004-04:00

My birdies have flown away to make a new nesting. All the worldly possisions have been packed and relocated to their new places of importance.

I can see them in my mind sitting at the kitchen table talking and laughing, eating and drinking. The sun shines brightly through the window and warms the room.

Danielle dances in her purple painted bedroom. There are colored glass trinkets and her purple trophy that matches her room on the window sill. She is happy and still arranges her walk-in closet.

Shane sits in his new room, adjusting to his new surroundings. Not sure of what lies ahead he thinks to himself as he perfects juggling his three super balls. Soon his drums will be sit up and he will find his rhythm once again.

Brad is busy downstairs putting the final touch on the kid's study area. He calls up to them .. it's time to play Rock Band. As they grab their instruments they know now they are home.

A Voice From The Past

2008-09-27T09:55:00.003-04:00

An unbelievable thing happened the other night. The phone rang and on the other end was a friend I hadn't seen in about ten years called. We had exchanged Christmas cards for a time and even that came to a halt.

We met while Barry and Ed worked togther at FTI back in the 80's. Infact it later turned out that Ed worked under Barry and I worked under Maria.
Somehow we hit it off from the start infact Maria and I have the same date of birth with me being the elder by 10 years. I had already started my family and Brad was approaching his adsoledent years when Ed and Maria became engaged and then married. Louis joined their family in March of 1990. I remember his month of birth because I was sitting in my Grandmother's hospital room in Florida knitting a mint green blanket as a birth gift for Maria's baby. In a way she was there with me as my Grandmother's life came to an end as she seemed to be through most of my life since we met.

So how does a friendship end as quickly as it begins? Family, children and careers all take their toll. Priorities change, and we move on. It will be interesting to connect with them tonight, to see their lives now. Louis has graduated high school and is headed to Culinary School in NYC. It seems like yesterday I was knitting that mint green blanket.

Down The Road

2008-09-21T11:16:00.001-04:00

Today I'm heading down to the grandkids for the next few days. Brad is off to Pa in quest of a new job and homestead. He has found it too expensive to stay in NJ. He is also out of work, due to his own choice.

This should be interesting. When Danielle and Shane came to spend time with me this summer, each having seperate three week stays the rules were very lack. This time there are schedules to follow and I'll have to commute back here to work.

I've been using my paddle boat as my vehicle of travel this summer. Living and working at the lake has it's rewards. I haven't bought gas in at least four weeks. Now it's back to the streets with the crazy people with no patients trying to advance in traffic one car at a time.

Time to pack up my comfort foods and pillow..Wish me luck!
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The List

2008-09-20T09:37:00.002-04:00

I started yesterday keeping an exact listing of anything that passed over my lips.

Well, so much for the list.. I started out pretty good, oatmeqal for breakfast followed by two cups of coffee. Then I saw them.. ripe bananas screaming to be made into muffins.

I got out all the ingredents needed and proceded to make them and started mixing. In the process I ate some walnuts, not bad I thought to myself. If only I stopped there. There's nothing better then warm buttered muffins from the oven . I ate one. Then later in the day another and another.

I've come to the conclusion these things should not be in my home. The will power I had in my younger years has totally escaped. I have become defenseless , the army has retreated to the hills, I stand alone in my quest.