The Mirror

Who is this person in the mirror? I look but cannot clearly see the image as if it were misty from the shower steam. I wipe it with my hand but it clears for only a brief second or two and mists over once again. This image is a stranger to me, a person I don’t know, understand, love and at times don’t even like. I ask myself how can a mother, grandmother and wife be so insecure as I struggle with this image. How can I have gone through so many years of life and still be so new at it. How can I make sense of my life and feel as if there is a place I truly belong and find the
peace I so badly need and want.

I have never learned to embrace myself, to except the imperfections, it’s as if I were an un-socialized animal, one never nurtured, never understood and left to explore on it’s own. My life lessons were learned by trial and error. There was no encouragement, no spiritual guidance and no validation, as I heading down my path. Instead I found one roadblock after another containing the message of “you can’t, you’re weak, and you’re unattractive, you don’t know how” and let’s not forget “you’re stupid.”

I have lived my life on the outside looking in, always on the edge wanting to join in but afraid. Afraid of the rejection, disappointment and failure to live up to the expectations of the group, the tribe, the thing called family. Today is no different for me then it was for the timid child of my past, I’m still hungry, still so very much in need of validation.