DAD

This weekend was my first visit to see Dad since his arrival at the nursing home about 10 days ago. He was seated in his wheelchair behind the nurse’s station “working” as he is every day at 2PM. They give him a notebook or newspaper and he busily completes his imagery assignment or reading before attempting to return the paperwork to its proper place although his weak arms are barely able to lift them from his lap.

At first I thought he was back at the VA Hospital in his office. But now I think he was at the coalmines in Simpson, preparing the blasting caps for the coalminers. His father was a blaster and dad would play with the dynamite sticks while his father prepared the sticks and caps needed for his days work. The staff at the nursing home had no idea he was referring to the mines when he told them he was going to blow the place up.

I greeted him but he never aknowleged who I was, even after several promptings from the staff he still couldn’t answer them with my name. He was in a complete daze. His speech was slurred and almost impossible to understand, with sentences running into each other and out of sequence. At times he stopped and called out to his “friends” who were present only in his mind.

Our visit lasted about 2 hours and we returned him to the nurse’s station where I’m sure he resumed his “work”. I wonder if he knows we were there.

If I Could Reach Through The Phone

I heard from a friend the other day who has lost a loved one. It has been over a year or more since her loss. As we spoke I could hear and feel the terrible pain she is still in and I wanted to reach through the phone and hold her to insure that things will get better and I was there to help. It’s such a small gesture that can mean so much when someone is in such pain. I listened to her as she told me of her loneliness and was taken back by her sorrow.

Her life as it was is completely removed. The home once shared has now become a rental until she is able to sell. She has moved back north, found another job, and is barely functioning both personally or financially.

I don’t know her location, she wants to remain aloof, but I think of her often as I go about my day, living my life.

If I could reach through the phone I would hug all the people who are so very dear in my life. I’d hug them and feel their hugs back, life is good.

The Mirror

Who is this person in the mirror? I look but cannot clearly see the image as if it were misty from the shower steam. I wipe it with my hand but it clears for only a brief second or two and mists over once again. This image is a stranger to me, a person I don’t know, understand, love and at times don’t even like. I ask myself how can a mother, grandmother and wife be so insecure as I struggle with this image. How can I have gone through so many years of life and still be so new at it. How can I make sense of my life and feel as if there is a place I truly belong and find the
peace I so badly need and want.

I have never learned to embrace myself, to except the imperfections, it’s as if I were an un-socialized animal, one never nurtured, never understood and left to explore on it’s own. My life lessons were learned by trial and error. There was no encouragement, no spiritual guidance and no validation, as I heading down my path. Instead I found one roadblock after another containing the message of “you can’t, you’re weak, and you’re unattractive, you don’t know how” and let’s not forget “you’re stupid.”

I have lived my life on the outside looking in, always on the edge wanting to join in but afraid. Afraid of the rejection, disappointment and failure to live up to the expectations of the group, the tribe, the thing called family. Today is no different for me then it was for the timid child of my past, I’m still hungry, still so very much in need of validation.

All By Myself

Mother
Daughter
Wife
Grandmother
Sister
Cousin
Friend
Co Worker
Neighbor
And the list goes on….

Although the order of this list may change from time to time we are familiar with the role they play in our lives.

Expectations of each have been taught to us or learned by our own experiences, by trial and error.

The path is set. Sometimes the path is overgrown with vines and prickers that hurt and tangle our journey. Without the proper tools we are trapped in the snare. We seem to go round and round repeatedly, tramping an isolated patch that is occupied by one’s self. You cry out, you stop and listen but hear no response. You wait to be rescued but realize you are truly alone, on your own and it’s up to you to find your way out.