DAD

This weekend was my first visit to see Dad since his arrival at the nursing home about 10 days ago. He was seated in his wheelchair behind the nurse’s station “working” as he is every day at 2PM. They give him a notebook or newspaper and he busily completes his imagery assignment or reading before attempting to return the paperwork to its proper place although his weak arms are barely able to lift them from his lap.

At first I thought he was back at the VA Hospital in his office. But now I think he was at the coalmines in Simpson, preparing the blasting caps for the coalminers. His father was a blaster and dad would play with the dynamite sticks while his father prepared the sticks and caps needed for his days work. The staff at the nursing home had no idea he was referring to the mines when he told them he was going to blow the place up.

I greeted him but he never aknowleged who I was, even after several promptings from the staff he still couldn’t answer them with my name. He was in a complete daze. His speech was slurred and almost impossible to understand, with sentences running into each other and out of sequence. At times he stopped and called out to his “friends” who were present only in his mind.

Our visit lasted about 2 hours and we returned him to the nurse’s station where I’m sure he resumed his “work”. I wonder if he knows we were there.

If I Could Reach Through The Phone

I heard from a friend the other day who has lost a loved one. It has been over a year or more since her loss. As we spoke I could hear and feel the terrible pain she is still in and I wanted to reach through the phone and hold her to insure that things will get better and I was there to help. It’s such a small gesture that can mean so much when someone is in such pain. I listened to her as she told me of her loneliness and was taken back by her sorrow.

Her life as it was is completely removed. The home once shared has now become a rental until she is able to sell. She has moved back north, found another job, and is barely functioning both personally or financially.

I don’t know her location, she wants to remain aloof, but I think of her often as I go about my day, living my life.

If I could reach through the phone I would hug all the people who are so very dear in my life. I’d hug them and feel their hugs back, life is good.

The Mirror

Who is this person in the mirror? I look but cannot clearly see the image as if it were misty from the shower steam. I wipe it with my hand but it clears for only a brief second or two and mists over once again. This image is a stranger to me, a person I don’t know, understand, love and at times don’t even like. I ask myself how can a mother, grandmother and wife be so insecure as I struggle with this image. How can I have gone through so many years of life and still be so new at it. How can I make sense of my life and feel as if there is a place I truly belong and find the
peace I so badly need and want.

I have never learned to embrace myself, to except the imperfections, it’s as if I were an un-socialized animal, one never nurtured, never understood and left to explore on it’s own. My life lessons were learned by trial and error. There was no encouragement, no spiritual guidance and no validation, as I heading down my path. Instead I found one roadblock after another containing the message of “you can’t, you’re weak, and you’re unattractive, you don’t know how” and let’s not forget “you’re stupid.”

I have lived my life on the outside looking in, always on the edge wanting to join in but afraid. Afraid of the rejection, disappointment and failure to live up to the expectations of the group, the tribe, the thing called family. Today is no different for me then it was for the timid child of my past, I’m still hungry, still so very much in need of validation.

All By Myself

Mother
Daughter
Wife
Grandmother
Sister
Cousin
Friend
Co Worker
Neighbor
And the list goes on….

Although the order of this list may change from time to time we are familiar with the role they play in our lives.

Expectations of each have been taught to us or learned by our own experiences, by trial and error.

The path is set. Sometimes the path is overgrown with vines and prickers that hurt and tangle our journey. Without the proper tools we are trapped in the snare. We seem to go round and round repeatedly, tramping an isolated patch that is occupied by one’s self. You cry out, you stop and listen but hear no response. You wait to be rescued but realize you are truly alone, on your own and it’s up to you to find your way out.

Christmas in New York

Debbie flew in from California to attend a conference in the city. She arrived almost a week early, so we could spend some time together. It's been a year since our last visit.

Debbie doesn't do anything that isn't over the top if you get my drift. She had made arrangements for us to spend two days in Manhattan just the two of us, a sister weekend. We arrived at a Hotel named "Dreams". Our room had dark blue headboards, dark blue carpeting, white walls, white down filled comforters. There was blue lighting peeking out from under the beds, a glass topped desk which was also blue lit, a flat screen TV, a double head shower, and cashmere feel robes that made you feel as though you were in a spa.

After we unpacked we headed to the bar and had a martini and returned to our room to dress for dinner and then to The Majestic Theater were we had and center row seats for Phantom of the Opera. I was like a child in awe, this was my first Broadway Show. The costumes, set and talent were breathtaking. As we exited the theater a light snow flurry topped off the whole experience. We strolled along the Streets and Avenues,and through Times Square before stopping stopping for dessert and coffee. We then returned to the hotel for a night cap and sleep because we had a big day ahead of us.

10:30am we attended a meditation session before going to the spa for a 35 minute massage. I felt so good that I way over tipped for the services but what the heck, it's the holidays. After a quick change of clothes we checked out and arrived at
Brasserie 8 1/2 for brunch. It was fabulous, there was seafood, breakfast omlettes,
Eggs Benedict, meats, poultry, fruits, salads and about 15 different desserts. We spent quite a long time eating,after all we had a long day ahead of us.

We walked around the city until 8pm. We saw the store windows in all their grandeur.
We went into the famous F.A.O. Schwarz. You had to line uo outside because the store was packed. I was dispointmented, I was expecting something a bit more over the top. It was packed with shelves of toys and mobs of loud, running excited kids. I thought I'd see a store like Tom Hanks visited in the movie Big. We spent about 15 minutes in there before heading back into the freezing windy city. We watched the skaters and viewed the tree at Rockefeller Center, visited St. Patrick's Cathedral, and found another church, St. Thomas were the service was sung by a boy's choir. It was incredible, the chruch has a boy's choir boarding school so you can amagine the quality of their voices. Following the service there was an organ recital which gave you goose bumps as the sound filled the cathedral. It was quite an experience.

Freezing cold and weary we dined and headed back to NJ where we relaxed and had a glass or two of "drink".

Deb stayed the night and the next day then headed back for the conference and I returned to work. Deb returned back here on Thursday and waited for a break in the weather before heading up to PA to visit the folks. Today she flies back to CA where her busy work schedule and lifestyle continue. I'm finally packing up my Thanksgiving decorations and am regrouping for Christmas. It's been a busy week.

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Waiting

This morning I'm excited because Debbie is coming East from Irvine, CA. She has a conference in NYC next week and extended her trip to include a visit to us as well as mom and dad.

Tomorrow Deb and I are heading for the Big Apple to take in Christmas. The tree was lit two days ago and the skaters are on the ice. It's the best place to experience the season. Can't wait to see the windows decorated, they are always decked out.

The List

Rules:

1. link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

2. share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

3. tag 7 people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

4. let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.


The List:

1. I had a crush on "Howdy Dowdy", I can't believe I never saw the thick black strings on the marionette. I now have a secret crush on David Cook(Americam Idol).

2. I can't pronounce the words aluminum or ventriloquist.

3. I can't tell the difference between the Doobie Brothers and the Eagles music.

4. I went through thin ice in a swallow stream while writing "Warning Thin Ice" in the snow at the edge of open water. Luckly the water was only waist high. My pants froze stiff as I walked home. Duh!

5. As a youngster I ran away from home, packing a loaf of bread and sat at the edge of the woods until dusk before returning.

6. I'm still afraid to take a fish off the hook!

7. I like to sing out loud when home alone.